You might be stonewalling, or you might find yourself on the receiving end of it. Either way, it isn’t the most effective tool of communication and it’s a great idea to learn a better way.
How would I recognise stonewalling?
Also known as ‘the silent treatment’ or ‘shutting down’, stonewalling in a relationship usually shows up as a noticeable physical and emotional withdrawal by a partner, often during a difficult conversation. The person stops talking or engaging, and they might even leave. Some partners describe it as confusing or experience it as lonely/cold/disapproving. Others mention a feeling of being abandoned.
What stonewalling isn’t…
Stonewalling is different to stating that you need a timeout or break before continuing the conversation – this is actually a good idea, as when partners are triggered or flooded (fight/flight mode), it is not helpful to carry on speaking as that is when we usually get critical and defensive, neither of which helps us to manage conflict. In contrast, stonewalling is more abrupt and usually done with little explanation.
Why does my partner stonewall?
Sometimes someone feels so overwhelmed by stress and emotion that their nervous system goes into a freeze response like stonewalling. Somewhere along the passage of their life, this person has experienced conflict as unsafe – so when tension arises, they stonewall to
- avoid saying something hurtful
- avoid escalation
- avoid feeling attacked
Sometimes someone can’t process or communicate the strong feelings they are experiencing. Such feelings include hurt, anger, shame and confusion. In my practice, many clients have shared living with a parent that stonewalled and while they have awareness that they are practicing the same pattern with their partner, it feels very difficult to stop.
Antidote to stonewalling
John Gottman advises learning to self-soothe as an antidote to stonewalling. Self-soothing can be breathing, active distraction, moving your body – mainly NOT stewing over what was said and what you plan to say next. We know that stonewalling is linked to physiological stress such as increases in heart rate and stress hormones and an inability to think clearly. This results in the person feeling overwhelmed and threatened; essentially unable to cope with the conversation.
A 20–30-minute break is recommended, and is much more effective than pushing through. If stonewalling is something you or your partner are struggling to address on your own, don’t hesitate to get in touch.
